I’ve been recently been made aware of my thought processes. In every other area of my life (professional, friendships etc) I seem to evaluate, assess and advise in a logical and rational way – taking into account facts and recognising the shades of grey in every situation. Perhaps it is the scientist training…
However, when it comes to myself and my emotions I only seem to only consider back and white, positive or negative (mostly negative, when it comes to myself). Why is this? Why do we (or me) think the worst of ourselves without logically and rationally working through facts.
And who would have thought that I would have had this lightbulb moment at this (late) stage of my life. This year has become a huge midst adjustment for me and its weird. I’m learning these life lessons that I should have known years ago but all in good time, I suppose.
I’m learning that I can not control what people think of me or how they behave but I can control my thought process towards myself – not reinforcing any negative stereotypes I have made for myself.
I’m learning that sometimes people use and abuse and its not my fault.
Sometimes the world and people will disappoint me and again its their issue, not because I am a problem.
If I stop being myself, true to myself, beliefs and opinions then I stop being me. And I will not allow that to happen.
Having said that I do realise and understand that I cannot allow myself to be used/abused/manipulated so I need to be selfish in that sense.
I need to know when to take a step back, take care of myself and my emotional needs instead of always focussing on others. I need to learn how to look at behavioural patterns and logically work stuff out – and cut out “bad influences”.
I know who has my back and who doesn’t – its became pretty darn clear this year…and some of the revelations I’ve made – I won’t lie – have thrown me for a curveball. Yet in hindsight, if I go back and logically rationalise the pivotal moments I was the one trying to revive relationships which had died long before. And I need to be kind to myself and realise that I am not the problem. Its freaking hard and tomorrow I may be back at square one blaming and ostracising myself for my choices. But I guess life is but one big work-in-progress.
Emotionally I’m still working on it all. Have you felt you thrown yourself under the bus everyday something bad happens? If you do, trust me – I’ve been there. And its not you. It is much easier said than done, I know. I’ve been there. Some days, I still am there and trying to work out what I did wrong. And if you need someone to listen, I’m here.