Metaphorically speaking, that is.
I have opportunities and options coming my way…if only I complete something that I’ve been hanging on to. You may think it’s stupid of me to not just complete it and get on with my life. However, therein lies the problem” get on with my life”.
No, I’m not completely happy and satisfied with life. And yes, I’d like to feel more fulfilled and determined, feel as though my presence will make a difference in the world. So you’d think it would be easy for me to try and do everything to move out of my current state, right? But why is it so hard for me to see the big picture and work towards it?
Well, it requires change. And I’m not a fan of change. I despise change. Change has me freaking out. Coupled with change is confidence – something I really don’t have. Self-confidence, confidence in who I am, confidence in my abilities, confidence in my body – all qualities that are not expressed by my genes and I clearly have screwed up neurological pathways in the confidence realm.
Hear me out – in order for me to complete my manuscript and pour myself into the other opportunities… it would require confidence. And if I have the confidence to get past those steps, it will require change.
And why do I fear change?
Ultimately I can’t control things and it takes me out of my comfort zone. Yes, I am a control freak. And what will the change bring?
- It is fear of the unknown – what will this bring?
- I will have to relocate which brings up fear of leaving:
- Someone I care about (though who doesn’t care about me) behind (this may seem like a good thing intellectually yet in matters of the heart its always complicated) and
- “Family” and support system I have around me
- What if I am not good enough? (Huge issue for me)
- What if I fail? (Yes, another huge deal for me)
- What if I am rejected? (AND….yup, another HUGE issue for me)
After one of the sessions Eliza recommended I read Trina Paulus’s Hope for the Flowers. It is a beautiful book – it may seem like a kids book….trust me, the message is something that will be lost on kids. On the surface, the book chronicles the journey of two caterpillars – one who almost “follows the crowd” while searching relentlessly for meaning to his life without luck (in the rat-race so to speak); while the other, after being unsuccessful and unhappy during “follow the crowd” adventure, takes a leap of faith – is courageous and while sad to leave her love behind she becomes more open and confident to change, she allows a part of herself to “die” and surrenders to the metamorphosis in becoming a butterfly…the ultimate “life goal” and bringing happiness.
When you dig deeper, the book is about finding your passion in life and allowing change to happen, being courageous and confident to surrender the comfort and control of your current circumstances for there may be something better waiting for you. Yet that’s where I get stuck. How do you know there is something better for me? What if it is worse? I need security, I need comfort, I need assurances. Unfortunately life does not work like that. In retrospect I am able to see that my need for security, comfort, control and assurances have kept me from taking leaps of faith and I suppose have kept me searching for fulfilment and happiness….
I don’t know if I am wired to surrender and be confident, to welcome change. It is a very foreign concept to me.
Recently I’ve been researching life questions, finding your passion, reading blogs and listening to podcasts and trying to get out of my funk (which has enveloped me for a few years now). One of my favourite is Christine Hassler. I’ve been a member of Christine Hassler’s Inner Circle and this months theme is…you guessed it, freaking Confidence.
It’s as if the world is telling me to be more confident but my brain tells me to back up and assess the situation. I’ve been doing the meditations (ok, I suck at meditation but I try) but as soon as the exercises are over, I go back to being “me”. While I’ve been more confident in blogging, and actually going to yoga class and being disciplined in getting my ass to gym I can’t seem to translate those themes to my work life.
I’d love to be confident – in myself, in my body, in my career, in my life. In my yoga class today, I left crying…. not because I couldn’t do it, but because I did the poses but judged myself…how I look, being in front of the class (it was a small class today) – I don’t feel good enough.
Its a struggle in my mind right now – I know I need to be confident. I know it will ease my anxiety about change if I am happy within myself. Yet I need to let go of my need for control, the safety net of my comfort zone. Which scares me to no extent. And I don’t know if I am meant to be a confident, courageous person who is ok with change. WTF is wrong with me? Considering my themes are 2017 are supposed to be discipline and flexibility/adaptable – I’m failing horribly!
Has anyone else dealt with this? Does anyone have any tips for boosting confidence?