It’s no secret I am a control freak. Stress and worry is my default setting. But something really rattled me today.
I’ve been having a crappy few weeks (written about here), what with death anniversaries, being reminded of those I have lost, those who have forgotten and abandoned me. All in all, I was just feeling sorry for myself – and not appreciating the present moment. That’s hard for me, you know – living in the present moment. I’m always over-analysing and over-thinking – freaking about the past and worrying about the future.
Yesterday – to top it all off – I locked my keys in my car boot. While at the gym. I am not impressed. Paulo stood next to me trying to come up with solutions (driving me home and breaking into my house – I have all my keys on the same set) and laughing at my stressed-out-control-freakness. After phoning a friend (Paulo really just laughed at me :P), I decided to call the assist company who would get a locksmith out to me. The locksmith was supposed to call me in 10 – 15 minutes. Trying to work off the excess anxious, stressed-out energy – my control freakiness went into overdrive when 15 minutes later…still no phone call. What the hell. Again, Paulo laughed.
Both Paulo and my chiropractor Kate (who is AMAZING at needling and did work away some of the stress I built up in my shoulders in the midst of the key episode!) tried to reassure me that I did all I could do to control the situation and it was out of my hands now. So did hearing it from two independent parties help calm me? Hell. No. I just needed my keys!
Eventually the locksmith did arrive. And I did get my keys. But boy, did I feel sorry for myself! Got home, stuffed my face with chocolate – sleeping aids and I feel into bed.
I woke up this morning still feeling all “woe-is-me”. However, thanks to my newest “Dancing with the stars” phase, I adore the “Clap your hands” song by LeoSoul. Here is a video of the pros dancing to it. After purchasing the song on iTunes, I listened to it, on repeat, all the way to work (a 45 minute commute). And was in a much better mood.
Until some news rattled me. A friend was scheduled to have a baby today. She would have made an incredible mom and was the most excited 9 month pregnant woman I have ever seen. Unfortunately, due to unknown circumstances, very early this morning she lost the baby. We don’t know details but I am in shock. It seems the baby’s heart stopped and doctors were unable to resuscitate.
The news is frustrating and confusing me. Why? What happened? What do I say? How can I help her? How do I fix this? I have an annoying ability to numb m own feelings and thoughts in order to ensure everyone around me is ok and getting the support they need. I break down months, even years later (which isn’t pretty but again my default setting and
I can only imagine what she is going through. Hearing that news and knowing she will need all the love, support and strength from her friends has made me very reflective today. It’s made me grateful and appreciative of life, of the people I have, of the lessons I learnt. It’s also made me realise what an utter negative, complaining jackass I’ve been these past weeks/months/even years.
It will be a long and arduous path for my friend, but I will be there to support her. This has been a huge “awakening” for me. I have so much to be thankful for instead of focussing on the negative aspects and complaining. May this teach me a lesson to have a more positive outlook in life. It can do me no wrong… and being negative only makes me feel worse.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.