#GetFitChallenge: Reflections

Three months ago, I signed up for a challenge. Specifically an in-person fitness challenge.

My track record of challenges is dismal. I’ve signed up for NUMEROUS challenges online… have I ever completed them? No. Hell, I don’t even think I read the daily emails.

In addition to my challenge record… my fitness level is a joke. I love sports but despise exercising… even though I feel good afterward, I dread dragging myself to the gym – which, I only started about three years ago.

So I’m not 100% sure why I did sign up for the Core-Barre GetFitChallenge, but I did. The challenge provided a diet plan (which I did not follow, mostly for my own reasons – written about here) and at least four classes – either Barre or Pilates –  a week.

A bit of history 

Growing up, I was a tomboy – give me sports, things to take apart and experiment with, Lego to build, trees to climb and bodies of water to swim in. Ballet, modern dance, traditional Indian dancing were NOT for me (and trust me, my mom tried). My little sister is a dancer (modern, traditional Indian dance) and was into all the reality-TV dance shows since their inception. She purchased the Zumba set too – I sat laughing at the videos…

Fast forward 20-something years: A bout of insomnia late last year lead me to stream season 23 of Dancing With the Stars. The show introduced me to dance as a form of exercise (it also introduced me to how gorgeous those professional male (straight!) dancers are!). I was hooked and kept watching, as well as having in depth post-mortems with my “work-mom” (who is obsessed with dance and a latin dancer herself).

Doing something remotely close to “dance” for me is huge. Yet, something clicked in me: I desperately wanted to dance (Argentine Tango is still on the bucket list), be graceful and “elongated”. Knowing I have two left feet, ungracefulness, funky body shape and serious balance issues; I have to take baby steps.

I noticed Instagram posts for Core-Barre and decided I wanted to try at least three Barre classes (which I wrote about here, prior to even thinking about the challenge), improve my balance/ flexibility and definitely be bikini-body ready for summer.

So, I signed up.

The Challenge

At the introductory evening a few days prior to the challenge I was TERRIFIED. Everyone looked amazing already… what did I get myself into to? After measurements, weighing in and “before” photos *cringe* I felt, well crap, but motivated… I was doing something for me. I did not even care about the winning… all I wanted was to prove to myself that I can do something “good” for myself.

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2017 has been THE cherry on top of a craptastic (yes, I love making up my own words) 4 year long “bad patch”. By actually committing to the challenge for myself and knowing it was time to take care of “me”. Taking care of myself has never been high on my priority list – I am the picture perfect people-pleaser and give way too much off myself (to my own detriment). I’ve never had much self-worth and the past four years led me down a spiral of unhealthy coping mechanisms… Things get tough? It’s fine, I’ll fix it all for you and numb myself to deal with my own emotions around the matter.

So it was scary to decide to do this for me. I’m in my thirties and I do not want to live a live of “what if’s” but rather a life of “oh well”. I do not want to die with regrets – I already have so many and the list does not need to be longer! To hold myself “accountable” (and none of my friends were around to do the challenge with me) I started documenting my weekly progress.

Barre and Pilates 

Overall I managed at least four classes a week (sometimes I’d do six). Both barre and pilates were new to me. Yes, classes are intense but SO MUCH FUN! My favourite part of the classes… the stretching at the end (and I managed to get VERY close to the splits!).

For some reason I was the only one sweating in barre class – flip, the concentration and muscle groups you work are damn hard. In addition to my sweating, I am ungraceful, my body can be hyper-mobile so I look weird and very uncoordinated… however this all lead to lots of laughs and deliriously happy moments. I have never in my 30-odd years remember being happy while laughing at myself and my “weirdness”. It was a new feeling and I kinda liked it.

Diet 

Yeah, did not follow the diet. But I did cut out sweets, milk chocolate, take-aways and my latest addiction “Hazelnut Latte Hug-In-A_Mug”. I also stopped my tendency to pop a pill to make myself feel better – no more sleeping pills, antidepressants, painkillers. I went cold turkey… The insomnia was a bitch but I had to go through it.

However, my addiction to peanut butter grew stronger (there is nothing better than eating it straight out the bottle (the Black Cat Sugar and Salt free crunchy one)).

Emotions 

Felt all the feelings. For. Real.

I went through every possible emotion throughout the challenge. From crippling insecurity, feeling sorry for myself, not sure how to deal with stress to actually having happy moments.

It did not help that I experienced some of the roughest weeks of my life during the challenge: intense work schedules, lots of travel, (multiple) cancer diagnoses in my immediate family, being with my family through surgery/ appointments/ treatment, tough medical decisions to be made for myself, doing a prayer for my gran who passed away six months ago, my self-imposed drug free period, friends who needed me and my support during their own struggles, finally letting go of a no-good relationship.

My double and triple sessions during the challenge was my escape. The one place I could go to where for an hour, or two.. or three I could have fun and just be me… like a relaxed kid again. Every single time I left class I was happy (so much so that a friend thought I was drunk while voice-noting her on the way back home from class)! And the sessions did help exhaust my body so sleeping became easier.

The finale

Very unexpectedly I did win the challenge. I couldn’t believe the change in my body. Without taking photos I would not have seen the change… I stayed the same weight for the longest time. While I did not lose much weight, I lost centimeters and the shape of my body changed… I actually have muscles now!!! (Like my legs are toned… not skinny Indian legs!).

Here are my pics:

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Lost: 2.9kg; 8.4cm waist; 4cm hips

Most of all….

Core-Barre introduced me to an incredible group women who I am proud to call friends, allowed me to tone my body, made me prioritize myself and my health, stop the numbing mechanisms and after classes I am genuinely happy (endorphins for the win!). The challenge allowed me to be more me and allow me to experience moments of self-worth. The INCREDIBLE and INSPIRING women I met during the classes have given me strength and support. In comparison to my teens and 20s, I am and feel so much stronger (physically and emotionally), pill-free, less sad/ anxious, more authentically me, a touch more confident and HAPPIER in my 30s! 

Thank you, Robs and team!!!

Looking forward

There is another challenge at the studio “Abs Sculpt”. And yes, I’m doing it!!!

k x

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#GetFitChallenge – Recap of Week 1: Internal Struggles

Week 1 of the #GetFitChallenge is over… Seven more weeks to go….  How do I feel?

Finding my feet and struggling with comparison. 

Here is a quick, raw, honest overview of my experience during Week 1… As always these are my personal views and opinions.

Training

I think I did well… I successfully completed 4 sessions – including my first double: barre followed by pilates. My sessions included 3 Barre and my first ever Pilates workout. I wrote about my first Barre session here.

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Early on a Saturday morning, getting ready for my first double session of Pilates & Barre… Classes 3 and 4 at Core-Barre for Week 1!

Fifteen minutes into starting my 3rd barre class I began wondering HOW THE HELL I would be able to complete the double. But, head down and had to just do it. It did help having a fellow challenger do the double with me…

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Lezanne and I did our first double-class together!

Furthermore I successfully completed a 90 minute Hot Yoga class on Sunday the 2nd and a 30 minute session with P (after which I did a Barre session), as well as just 30 minutes of light cardio by myself. It felt good! I’ve been drinking my protein shake loads, always with L-glutamine.

Robyn, the director and mastermind of the challenge, joined in for our early sessions of Barre and Pilates on Saturday. It was awesome to have her there training with us. Inspiring and motivating. Thank you, Robyn!

Overall this past week, my body worked with me and I felt ok. I’ve struggled with the emotional side of life and my personal demons, which I will get into a bit later.  However, I don’t feel comfortable enough to take a weekly progress photo or weigh myself… but I just need to bite the bullet. Just. Do. It.

Diet

EEK! While I stayed clear (!) from all confectionary and adding refined sugar to any of my drinks and meals (yay for me…it’s the little things, people)… I did “enjoy” a single Jungle Oats Peanut Butter Energy Bar – every day for four days (including BEFORE Barre class on two occassions)… Naughty, I know.

I’m also struggling to drink enough water – and at some stages I feel as though I may not be eating enough – which is perhaps why I craved something sweet before bed (hence the energy bar). So I do need to look at that for this week. I did get some Lindt Dark Chocolate with Mint (and Lindt Dark with Roasted Hazelnuts) so I’m hoping a block or two before bed will do the trick.

In better news I have not had my go-to hot drink! I, quite frankly, am ADDICTED to the Hazelnut cappuccino from a local brand flavour –  Pour a packet into my mug, add boiling water and stir. Quick, easy… and full of unhealthy “stuff” – I read the ingredients and nearly passed out from the amount of chemicals in it! I’ve been putting all that in my body… multiple times a day *cringe*  Does my body really need anti-foaming agent? Um, I think NOT!

I must admit I do absolutely adore the smoothie treat after classes on a Saturday – so yummy and combinations I would never think of! Now, if only I can make the time to make myself these every morning….

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Delicious, healthy, nourishing smoothies on a Saturday post class!

Emotions, Emotions, Emotions

Toward the end of the week – from about Thursday –  I’ve been struggling. Its been tough. I’ve been very self-conscious, to be honest. There has also been body-hate. I’m not sure why but its just how I feel.

Everyone at the classes for the GetFitChallenge look AMAZING and could be models in their spare time. I feel very…frumpy, ugly and lumpy. I go to work in jeans, sneakers and hoodies, with no makeup (at most, I will have eyeliner and lip gloss on). After work I head off to gym. For the challenge, my fellow challengers look flawless and are all very sophisticated. I do feel a little intimidated… and as though I need to wear makeup every time I go to class. Wrinkles and dark rings under my eyes have become insanely worrying. I feel as though I’m getting and looking very old, very fast.

I know I need to get out of this mode and slay these demons. Its hard, though. However, one of my goals for the challenge is to be more confident and comfortable in my own skin. Week 1 was a step back – and sharing this so openly is scary.

In hindsight, the anniversary of my gran’s death is coming up and I’ve noticed I’m in a slump around that time… It’s been quite consistent for the past few months now so I have come to know and recognise know the sadness and withdrawal that clouds over me around and before her death day.

The cold-like symptoms I’m currently experiencing also do not make me feel any better…

Just hoping I can move past this, soon. It is nothing but self-destructive.

As ridiculous as it seems – trust me, my intellectual side knows this; the emotional side does not – I feel crap that I have not seen any change in my body yet – where are those damn abs… why are the love handles STILL there? Why is my butt not growing? Yes the instant gratification I expect is in full force. I just need to keep my head down and keep swimming…. progress NOT perfection.

Yes, that was my biggest lesson this week. I need to remember the little things, the little achievements and I always have to Strive for progress, not perfection”! As a perfectionist, I need everything to be perfect – but that is neither possible nor productive. I should be proud I managed four classes at Core Barre, a hot yoga class, a 30 min light cardio session and a 30 minute session with P this week… around 6hr30min of working out!

Looking forward:

Weeks 2 and 3 will be even more challenging for me…

Week 2 has not begun on a good note. I seem to have laryngitis (not sure what the root cause is: either bacterial/ viral or acute sinusitis). I did not take my a Hot yoga class and well rescheduled some of my Barre classes – so I will only take two classes (a double) this week. Hopefully I can still make my two sessions with P. Yes I know I should not be exercising when I’m ill…but right now, the only organ affected is my throat. If I get worse, ofcourse I will slow down.

Thanks to my sore throat, I’ve been adding honey to my tea and living on lozenges (which do contain some sugar). Sunday the 9th has been a bit of a disaster… ready-made pizza (not good) and a lunch-size packet of ginger biscuits.

Toward the end of week 2 and the beginning of week 3 I am out of my normal routine. I am performing a ceremony for my late gran back home, which means lots of family and food (some deep fried and a fair amount of refined sugar!).

Being away and out of my normal routine means no training – no Barre classes, no Hot Yoga and no training with P for 5 days. And not the best diet in the world.

I do hope to focus on my emotional/mental side and put in a fair amount of work on my project, as well as try to be more grateful for myself and learn to not compare myself to others. This is my journey – again, intellectually I get it… emotionally I’m stuck in comparison mode. This body-hate needs to go down a couple of notches… it is not healthy in any way, shape or form.

Let’s hope my review of Week 2 will be a more personally positive one! Here is my current mantra for the next few weeks:

Unknown

k x

Regret

The featured image above is a beautiful sunset I witnessed arriving home late from work a  day this week. The world keeps turning, we get older and have we really lived? We go from school to university to the working world. We wake up, work, sleep. Does that define a life? I don’t think so. Sure, there are holidays and moments of “awesomeness” within those days but those are few and sometimes far between. Are we really happy? What do we regret? Am I happy with my life as it currently stands? Am I fulfilled? Or am I talking myself out of things and experiences that, at the very least, be something new I’ve tried?

I’ve been thinking a lot about regret lately. And how to live without regretting anything.

I do have regrets – things I should have done and paid more attention to, people I trusted when I should not have. I can’t change the past – nobody can. But I can move forward and change the way I live.

I wish I felt this way sooner in my life. I want to try new things and learn new things about myself; not to feel held back by my own excuses (I’m great at making excuses). My excuses are the usual: I’ll be rubbish at it, I’m scared of making myself look like a fool, I can’t afford it and the two biggest excuses…. I have too much work to do and don’t have the time; I’m too exhausted.

And I do regret not trying things and I’m going to try an experiment… for the next 6 months (until the end of 2017) there are a few things I want to accomplish. And I want to write about my experiences here… to keep myself (publicly) accountable.

  • Try at least three core barre classes (I’m scared I won’t be able to keep up – I’m very competitive)
  • Try to go to latin dance classes and dance the Argentine Tango (my favourite!) (My lack of balance will make me fall flat on my face)
  • Complete and submit my big project (I’m scared of failure)
  • Work out at least three times a week (common excuses: I don’t have time, I’m exhausted)
  • Be more “present” and “in the moment” when I am talking to people… not scrolling through my phone… (I don’t have time so let me scroll Instagram while I talk to you – which to be completely honest is damn RUDE of me)
  • Go completely offline for one weekend a month: no email, no blog posts, no Facebook, no Instagram, no Twitter – I can relax/ work by reading, writing on actual paper (the excuse is I can’t be offline because I will miss something… major FOMO (fear of missing out))
  • Look after my body – cut down on the sweets and junk food!!!

SO there it is… The first three scare the living daylights out of me. Honestly.

But, I will try. No use in not trying and regretting.

I need to start living my life.

x

 

Regret

Confidence, Change, Comfort, Control, Courage

I’m stuck.

Metaphorically speaking, that is.

I have opportunities and options coming my way…if only I complete something that I’ve been hanging on to. You may think it’s stupid of me to not just complete it and get on with my life. However, therein lies the problem” get on with my life”.

No, I’m not completely happy and satisfied with life. And yes, I’d like to feel more fulfilled and determined, feel as though my presence will make a difference in the world. So you’d think it would be easy for me to try and do everything to move out of my current state, right? But why is it so hard for me to see the big picture and work towards it?

Well, it requires change. And I’m not a fan of change. I despise change. Change has me freaking out. Coupled with change is confidence – something I really don’t have. Self-confidence, confidence in who I am, confidence in my abilities, confidence in my body – all qualities that are not expressed by my genes and I clearly have screwed up neurological pathways in the confidence realm.

Hear me out – in order for me to complete my manuscript and pour myself into the other opportunities… it would require confidence. And if I have the confidence to get past those steps, it will require change.

And why do I fear change?

Ultimately I can’t control things and it takes me out of my comfort zone. Yes, I am a control freak. And what will the change bring?

  • It is fear of the unknown – what will this bring?
  • I will have to relocate which brings up fear of leaving:
    • Someone I care about (though who doesn’t care about me) behind (this may seem like a good thing intellectually yet in matters of the heart its always complicated) and
    • “Family” and support system I have around me
  • What if I am not good enough? (Huge issue for me)
  • What if I fail? (Yes, another huge deal for me)
  • What if I am rejected? (AND….yup, another HUGE issue for me)

We need to change, to grow, to live. I get it. Hell, I even wrote about it here – little gems that I garnered from my Demartini facilitation with Eliza.

After one of the sessions Eliza recommended I read Trina Paulus’s Hope for the Flowers. It is a beautiful book – it may seem like a kids book….trust me, the message is something that will be lost on kids. On the surface, the book chronicles the journey of two caterpillars – one who almost “follows the crowd” while searching relentlessly for meaning to his life without luck (in the rat-race so to speak); while the other, after being unsuccessful and unhappy during “follow the crowd” adventure, takes a leap of faith – is courageous and while sad to leave her love behind she becomes more open and confident to change, she allows a part of herself to “die” and surrenders to the metamorphosis in becoming a butterfly…the ultimate “life goal” and bringing happiness.

When you dig deeper, the book is about finding your passion in life and allowing change to happen, being courageous and confident to surrender the comfort and control of your current circumstances for there may be something better waiting for you. Yet that’s where I get stuck. How do you know there is something better for me? What if it is worse? I need security, I need comfort, I need assurances. Unfortunately life does not work like that. In retrospect I am able to see that my need for security, comfort, control and assurances have kept me from taking leaps of faith and I suppose have kept me searching for fulfilment and happiness….

I don’t know if I am wired to surrender and be confident, to welcome change. It is a very foreign concept to me.

Recently I’ve been researching life questions, finding your passion, reading blogs and  listening to podcasts and trying to get out of my funk (which has enveloped me for a few years now). One of my favourite is Christine Hassler. I’ve been a member of Christine Hassler’s Inner Circle and this months theme is…you guessed it, freaking Confidence.

It’s as if the world is telling me to be more confident but my brain tells me to back up and assess the situation. I’ve been doing the meditations (ok, I suck at meditation but I try) but as soon as the exercises are over, I go back to being “me”. While I’ve been more confident in blogging, and actually going to yoga class and being disciplined in  getting my ass to gym I can’t seem to translate those themes to my work life.

I’d love to be confident – in myself, in my body, in my career, in my life. In my yoga class today, I left crying…. not because I couldn’t do it, but because I did the poses but judged myself…how I look, being in front of the class (it was a small class today) – I don’t feel good enough.

Its a struggle in my mind right now – I know I need to be confident. I know it will ease my anxiety about change if I am happy within myself. Yet I need to let go of my need for control, the safety net of my comfort zone. Which scares me to no extent. And I don’t know if I am meant to be a confident, courageous person who is ok with change. WTF is wrong with me? Considering my themes are 2017 are supposed to be discipline and flexibility/adaptable –  I’m failing horribly!

Has anyone else dealt with this? Does anyone have any tips for boosting confidence?

k x

 

Survival Of The Fittest

I’m a geneticist. A human geneticist. I love biology and pathways and everything that makes sense. I love that there is so much more to learn about the way genes are expressed,  modified and how they fit into the grand scheme of things. Genetics is an abstract term and a subject where I have noticed – people “get” or “don’t get”. I’m lucky I get it. I love that I can take a few known facts and come up with a hypothesis that seems logical (well, in my mind). It keeps my brain stimulated – constantly questioning and learning which is a personal value. I need to always be learning.

Genetic variation has allowed species to adapt to environments; allowing evolution of species by natural selection – survival of the fittest, so to speak. As Homo sapiens we have seemed to have “lost” the basic natural selection thanks to medical technology. But, we are still evolving – perhaps not in great physical strides, but in other ways. I’m going to go a little far out but bear with me…

Why am I going on about genetics, genetic variation and adaption? Well, its not as obvious as you may think. Our brains are amazing – the plasticity of the mind astounds me. We can change the way we think, (Disclaimer: I am NOT a neurobiologist). I’ve learnt that as humans we go through a metamorphosis – in the traditional sense, as well as on the emotional/intellectual level. Hear me out, and you’ll understand why.

I’ve been in a weird place for the past few years. And I’ve been beginning to question everything I know about the world – who am I? What am I here for? You can call it an existential crisis – which started since I was about 25. I’ve been trying new things, reading more laterally and opening my mind to understanding myself better.

For me, 2016 started with me attending regular therapy session with a psychologist. I went at least once a week and we embarked on Cognitive behavioural therapy. This way of thinking is weird for me (I’m a pessimist) YET there was nothing my logical brain could dispute. Example: If I say I just can’t take something anymore – well, I am “just taking it” because it hasn’t killed me yet. True? Yup, true. We – I – put connotations on things, and they are usually negative so I’ve in essence trained my brain to focus on the negative and it keeps me from trying new things, keeps me away from rejection.

After about 10 months of therapy, I felt I needed something a little different. Which is when I met Eliza at a hot yoga class. Apart from being a kick-ass hot yoga instructor Eliza runs an awesome company, Yoga Plus. One of the services she offers are facilitation classes – almost like life coaching.

Eliza does private facilitation sessions using the Demartini method. Now, I’m definitely not an authority figure on the subject and these are completely my views so there is a very good chance I’m horribly wrong. In a nutshell the Demartini method involves the facilitator asking lots of questions – focusing on a certain “block” you are currently experiencing – and you digging deep into yourself trying to answer. The questions may seem simple enough but when you try answering you really need to concentrate and remember… A lot of the process requires you to identify people in your life who have seen you/ witnessed you encompassing certain qualities/traits (and you need to talk about these situations) that you don’t like which is causing you stress.

Ultimately, the process shows you both sides of the coin – so to speak. It reframes the block (connotation: bad thing, bad relationship) so you can see the good and bad… Good as in how the block is “helping” you at this current moment and bad as in how the block is keeping you away from your ultimate goal. The bad is easy to figure out… The good – well, it makes you think a bit.

For example, I am struggling to complete a project, which I need to complete ASAP… It seems as if at every damn stage of the project I was hurled another obstacle – either professionally or personally which required my attention, instead of the project.  The two sides are:

  • Bad: It is keeping me from succeeding professionally, making me feel like a failure.
  • Good: I was made aware of things (e.g. starting my first job and first serious relationship (and the struggles that went along with it), researching alternate therapies for cognitive disorders, reading more about the mind/body connection) that allowed me to grow, research, learn – as a person…not just a scientist.

This did not even hit me before my session with Eliza but before my project I was a judgemental, snobby, know-it-all bitch. For real. It was either my way or no way at all. Everything in my mind was either black or white. If you had a differing opinion to me, you were an idiot. Reflecting on my journey and to the person I am now, I am a lot less judgemental and I acknowledge that there are shades of grey. Every obstacle I faced during the course of the journey allowed me to stop and grow as a person – subconsciously.

It is freaking mind blowing. The last session I had was few weeks ago and I’m still kinda freaked out (in a good way) about it. Everything was so clear… and it still is.

Eliza and the Demartini method has made me realise that all the obstacles in my path during the journey of my project was beneficial to me on an intellectual level – if not a proactive one to complete my project. Had I not experienced any adversity during my project – I would still be the same judgmental snobby bitch, probably very depressed and longing-for-more. Now, I’ve evolved and adapted intellectually to understand that there are other opinions and reasonings apart from my own and while I may still long-for-more I do know and acknowledge that every single person can teach me something…

We need to be intellectually and emotionally adaptable to live – to thrive (ok, I’m FAR from thriving) – in the world. We need to be open to all possibilities, to understand  opposing viewpoints and not get too frustrated by them.. If we do not, we will be desperately unfulfilled and unsatisfied with life – perhaps at the extreme suicidal (and I do go to the extreme).

Ultimately, my passion for genetics – with the help of Eliza (Yoga Plus) – taught me the most valuable lesson of all. Only the fittest “survive”. Talk about a light bulb moment…

Now…to kick my ass into gear and get writing!  Please check out Yoga Plus for an incredible facilitator and amazing hot yoga instructor!

2017: My Fresh Start?

One of the things from 2016 that I would like to let go off is being used by people.

I always want to see and believe the best in people – even when they have shown me their true colours. It’s like in my mind I need to always be available to help them – I make myself more important than I actually am. And I ALWAYS put them first – regardless of time of day or my responsibilities… they are my priority. I give them my all and am always left broken-hearted, discarded.

But its got to change. Like a lot in my life ,intellectually I know better but I’m too attached emotionally. It’s a vicious cycle. A cycle where I devalue myself and raise others up, a cycle in which I give too much of myself to people who don’t really bother if I exist or not on most days.

I know what I want in my life – and by allowing myself to be walked all over, I’m never going to be happy or satisfied if I continue this pattern. I know this. My friends (well, the ONE person who knows about the situation) knows this – and for all his hard work and advice, I just don’t seem to listen.

Yes, I love them and want to be with them – have a loving, supportive relationship – but it won’t happen this way. I doubt they love me – hell, or even like me. They know I can’t say no and will always be there to take care of them. It’s the easy option.

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It has to STOP.

The way I’m doing it? No contact…. I’ve stopped communicating. It’s been a few days now, (4 days to be exact) and I won’t lie, it hurts. Especially since there has been no communication from their side. Like I don’t exist. The usual. It’s expected.

I need to break free and focus on my life and what I want in my life. They have taken up too much of my energy, time and emotion. It’s time to value myself more: put me first. (Sounds selfish but hey, giving freely of myself has not worked).

It’s time to value myself more: put me first. Yes, I admit that sounds selfish but hey, giving freely of myself has not changed the situation. Being an option to people who are your priority will never end well for you. I’ve learned this over and over and over and over again. It reminds me of the the Albert Einstein quote “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result”. 

It’s high time to let go of these relationships (if thats what it is)!

Lets hope 2017 brings love, happiness and success…

k x

2016: Missing In Action

Hey there, stranger… Its me, Kusha. And yes, I’ve been M. I. A. for a VERY long time. To be honest, I don’t have and excuse – beside being lazy, I guess.

I have not completed any big projects (just started a few more), have not had any epiphanies or created anything meaningful – which is kind of depressing…

However, what I have done is:

  • Try a few new things and met new people who have “changed” my life (which we’ll get to in another post).
  • Survived a trip to India with my mom (we get on really well and this trip really “tested” us with health issues and language barriers…but we are stronger),
  • Made time for the loved ones in my life.
  • Get back onto Facebook (mostly for groups I was invited to).
  • Discovered listening to podcasts on my commute kept me entertained (though I still have days where I blast the music, sing (badly) and dance in the car…by myself…and feel damn good doing it).
  • Figured that I care and do way too much for people who don’t really give a damn about me (ok, we always knew this one).
  • Rekindled friendships and had existing friendships grow even stronger.

What I’m trying to do now… apart from finish the two major projects in my life… is figure out what I want to get out of life and what makes me happy…

Overall, 2016 was a year of discovery for me.

2015 kicked my ass in ways I never want to re-live, and my goal of 2015 was just getting through the damn year alive (even though my emotional state was shattered).

2016 made me question myself… what do I want? What makes me happy? And 2016 made me burn-out: physically, intellectually, emotionally.

I spent a lot of time (and money) on “me” and trying to find my place in the world. Trust me, I’m far from close but I am growing every day and learning about myself which has brought me some peace (sounds hippy, I know!). Yet, at least a fraction of peace in a fleeting moment is good enough, right?

Yes, I have had and no doubt will continue to have days/weeks/months where I have and will struggle to find the light at the end of the tunnel – but I do have an awesome circle of peeps who are my rocks, my support and will kick my ass into remembering the flicker of light I witnessed… without judgement (ok, apart from my two total Judgey-pants dudes (still love them though and they are refreshing) – who are convinced I can be very self-destructive… which is, true!)

As the sun sets on 2016, I must say personally and in retrospect- I had struggles but nothing as crazy as 2015, and everything that has happened to me in 2016 has taught me a little more about myself (and not to take on too many external emotions with world news).

2016 was a year where globally the world went WTF (Brexit, Trump as president elect (really, America?!?!), Pravin Gordhan being summoned to court, devastating drought in South Africa and many more charming stories!).

Looking forward, I hope to post more regularly…and have more GOOD updates… like completing my crazy projects!

Much love

k x