#GetFitChallenge – Recap of Week 6: Training to be a badass!

I’ve survived 75% of the challenge and haven’t given up yet!!! GO ME! Even when I am in the middle of a class, screaming silent profanities in my head (directed at the instructor) and my body is plotting its revenge on me… I still keep going back. Post a double class I voice-noted a friend – who thought I was intoxicated by substances… I sounded so “happy” – yet, it was just endorphins!

Stats

And… I gained weight. It was not a measurement week so I have no idea what THAT will say. We are supposed to take photos of ourselves every week. I have not… I’m not photogenic at all – less so with nothing but a sportsbra and leggings! I did bite the bullet and take pics this week *cringe*. The result….

large_wordprops_omg

THERE ARE CHANGES! Like visible changes. 

Side by side photos from the beginning of the challenge to the end of week 6 shows a HUGE difference… even though my weight has not dropped a lot. I have felt some of the clothes being a bit looser, and my butt feels more toned but other than that I just figured I was working off the excess food I was consuming (more on diet later). But FLIP! It actually works. And I have a two-pack developing ūüėÄ

Training

I only arrived back in Jozi midweek so managed to fit in a double on Thursday and my second triple on Saturday. My second barre class on Saturday was my first with another instructor… awesome! Lesson of the week: Pilates before barre is a challenge! I usually do barre class (or a double barre) then pilates but Saturday’s schedule has pilates sandwiched between two barre classes. It was only a total of five hours of training this week but judging from the pics… it works!

No additional training with P or hot yoga this week… Yet, from the progress pics I can tell my body is really responding to barre and pilates. It is VERY different from standard training or even hot yoga and dance-based training is something I thought I could never do (thanks to my lack of grace and coordination).

Diet 

Sigh, still not the best but I’m still ready-made meals, ready -made drinks, fast food, added sugar (to cereal/ hot drinks) and confectionary (excluding dark chocolate – in particular Lindt Roasted Hazelnut Dark Chocolate goodness) FREE!

I wanted this challenge to be a lifestyle change and yes, by not eating a lot of “junk” I do feel less lethargic. The withdrawal symptoms are still there – headache mostly – but otherwise, its been good. I feel a lot better – less moody – than I used to be. One of the aims of the challenge was to get into ketosis – something I wrote about here and it is something I don’t want my body to get to – it is not sustainable for me or my body. My personal aim was to get into a healthy eating pattern.

Thanks to #vegetarianproblems I have been supplementing with Omega 3 and a probiotic. Still searching for a good protein shake though…

Emotions 

I feel as though I am dealing with one crisis after another… so I haven’t really had the time to process and figure what what exactly I am feeling. I was surprising chilled while I spent five hours waiting at a government office… I think the lack of sugar is making me calm? And less agitated…

Deciding to document my weekly progress by blogging has actually kept me disciplined and parts of the discipline is seeping into my daily life. I’ve got a long way to go but it is pretty good to be focussed again.

In terms of my body, I have never been this fit, strong and toned before. It was always skeletal anorexic or chubby. As the featured image says; I’m not training to be skinny, I’m training to be a fit badass. There is something so empowering to be strong – physically and mentally… I believe those two are linked. The more physically strong I feel, the more challenges I can handle without freaking out (mentally, that is). I LOVE IT!

Looking ahead: Week 7

Only two more weeks! I’m traveling again this week (thanks to work) so can only really fit in a triple class and perhaps hot yoga… Hopefully I can take some time to run a bit or even try one of my sister’s Zumba videos!

Just a closing thought….¬†images

Till next week…

k x

#GetFitChallenge – Recap of Week 5: Sore…but worth it!

These weeks are flying by! Officially only 3 more weeks until the end of the challenge! The Core-Barre¬†GetFitChallenge has kept me inspired, motivated, determined and disciplined – something I definitely wanted… and I have not quit yet!

Stats

Nope, no stats this week.. However I did formulate a document for myself, which includes a comprehensive measurements. I just need to get hold of a body composition scale so I can assess my health more carefully.

While there are only 3 weeks until the end of the challenge the “finale” is only on the 16th of September… so in my mind I have six weeks to further improve of my health and wellness. It is a goal for myself and the challenge is keeping me focused and disciplined!

As I’ve mentioned in one of my very first posts about this challenge, I’m doing this as a kickstart to a healthier lifestyle – more “real” food, less ready-made, fast-food; more movement. A healthy lifestyle is something I am craving – being confident in myself and my body, being present and living in the moment, feeling healthy – fit – strong, being productive and efficient, being disciplined, being able to have good sleep, being able to conquer any challenge that comes my way. Too much to ask?

I’m considering booking a photo-shoot – just to be pretty and have cool pics taken… I’ve never had one and perhaps it will be good for my self-worth? Or maybe I will overanalyse and hate myself even more… I’m definitely in two minds about it. Anyway, on to the rest of my Week 5 summary…

Training

I completed my first TRIPLE! Two barre classes followed by a pilates class! In the moment during each class I felt every muscle hurt, yet after the class I felt good! I also had an hour training with P the day after…followed by a double barre the next day… Six hours of training in three days. ¬†And… I FELT it!

I absolutely adore barre and pilates – even though I lack coordination and grace! It does make for funny classes and loads of laughs! How am I supposed to remember those combinations? ūüėõ

2017-08-02 08.30.28
Accurate depiction of myself in barre..particularly the “help” one!

For the GetFitChallenge, we aim for four classes a week – I must say I’m leaning more towards five a week… especially if I do doubles or a triple. My body feels good! It was also great to get back into training with P… I’m doing about six hours of training a week (well, for the past two weeks) and it feels amazing! The “high” I get post-workout – and the ability to sleep deeply – is something I can get very addicted to!

Now to try add a hot yoga class to the mix ūüėÄ (yes, I am a sucker for punishment!).

Diet

This has been the one area where I have not been so good ūüė¶ And I have not taken my supplements… or my protein shake (it is currently discontinued and I’m currently searching for a vegetarian/ vegan alternative)!

I’m trying VERY hard to “eat clean” however with the travel and odd hours – I’ve been succumbing to hazelnut latte’s and energy bars… Weird observation though: I find these items too sweet now! I have never added sugar to hot drinks and now I find the flavoured lattes too sweet!

I am at my parents for a bit of a long weekend/ family break and they do not believe in any diet (perhaps because they saw me through my disordered eating). As a result, I have been consuming a large quantity of “sweet” foods… Not part of my clean eating plan!¬†However, I am just going with the flow… There are always going to be days when I fall off the wagon but I must remember to not be too hard on myself.

Yes, I want to eat healthier but I also do not want to deprive myself. From past experience I know depriving myself will only cause me to binge and go four steps back in my health journey. I’ve been down that road too many a time to revisit the patterns.

I am considering a juice cleanse – but I do not know how my body will react. Not a long cleanse, perhaps just one day? Has anyone tried one?

Emotions

A much, much, MUCH better week! Week 4 was probably the lowest I’ve felt during the challenge: sleep deprivation, headachy, moody/ grumpy/ bitchy/ withdrawn aka PMS, overwhelmed and emotional. I was a bit more of myself during Week 5.

My headache is still ever-present but I think it’s getting better? I’ve realised my low moods and dull headaches were as a result of sugar withdrawal (I used to eat a LARGE amount of sugar). ¬†Damn, the withdrawal symptoms are painful (to say the least).

I’ve also learnt the hard way that I must not sacrifice sleep… Waking up at 3am to watch Game of Thrones before working a full day followed by two hours of training does NOT work for me. Good, deep sleep has been something I’ve struggled with for a few years. Sleeping pills make me depressed and ‘out-of-it’ the next day so I stay as far away from them as possible. I generally fall asleep to some series playing in the background – yes, I know electronics should not be in the bedroom but it is a hard habit to break… I also should switch off my phone (we may be pushing it, there!).

Looking ahead: Week 6

I’m only flying back to JHB on Tuesday evening… so my exercise regimen will start again on Wednesday morning with a P session before I drag myself to work (on a public holiday). I’m scheduled to have double barre on Thursday and a triple on Saturday – my first ever barre-pilates-barre combo (and my first class with another barre instructor).

The “goal” I am adding to week 6 is deactivating Facebook (again), and taking time off Twitter and Instagram – kind of like a social media detox. I hope it will give me a chance to “reboot” and focus on other priorities (not indulging in work-avoidance-behaviour (WABbing) by scrolling endlessly through social media). With this “detox” I also want to try and put my phone off for a few hours every day while I focus on certain tasks… easier said than done!

Until next time

k x

#GetFitChallenge – Recap of Week 3: Baby Steps

I can’t believe Week 3 is over and we have begun Week 4… almost halfway! To be honest, I’m feeling a bit emotional that this challenge is flying by!

If you have not read my previous recaps, you can find Week 1 here and Week 2 here.

Week 3 was all about me finding my feet again, and taking things one baby step at a time. I was still on the mend from my viral infection, and even though I felt “left behind” I knew biologically it was not wise for me to train in any way, state or form while still on medication. I was surprising ok with this – perhaps because it wasn’t a flaky excuse and I was pretty ill (not “pretending” to be more ill than I am).

Training

Post-illness, I was feeling good and managed to successfully complete 30 minutes with P and a barre class on the Thursday. My first exercises/ training since the previous Tuesday – and I FELT IT.

P focused on legs… and I leg pressed more than my body weight. But it was cool. Except… at barre, Tyla decided it was LEG DAY. I made it through the class. But as soon as I climbed into bed (at 8pm – don’t judge) I was exhausted.

The inner of my thighs and sides (love handles) had the good post-workout feel. I LOVE the feeling; probably because I don’t feel it a lot. My body breaks down lactic acid pretty quickly so the day after training I don’t feel much.

Saturday saw me complete my first double of Week 3; barre and pilates. Barre was high intensity, pilates was murder with the pilates ring thing. After the double I had to drag my sorry ass to work where I felt as though I could have fallen asleep at any given moment. Alas, it is the life of a scientist…. the struggle is real people. Trust me. ūüėČ

And no… no hot yoga for the past two weeks… I do miss it. But my favourite teacher Eliza is doing a class on a Sunday at the end of Week 4 so I may join it (if I survive Week 4…more on that a bit later).

Diet

My downfall. As usual. While I still have not indulged in sweets or ready-to-drink hot beverages (yay me!) I did have extra sugar.

Quite a bit of honey for my sore throat and sugary, deep-fried goodies at my folks. I must admit that I did not binge (as I expected)! And I did not feel bad and hate myself for it – perhaps because I knew what was coming so I could mentally prepare.

I’m still struggling with drinking enough water. A lot. It’s winter and its cold… (yes, excuses). But it is my aim for the next few weeks.

In terms of supplements I am religiously taking Omega 3, 6, 9 (Flaxseed oil) mostly cos my joints “creak” when I train! (Yes, old age – I know!). I am also taking Vitamin effervescents and realised I need a probiotic (too much info?).

Post-training, I have been taking my protein shake with some L-glutamine. However my protein shake of choice has been off the market for a while and I AM DESPERATE for SOMETHING! So I am on the look out and ANY vegetarian suggestions would be most welcome!

I’m officially down to two shakes….. I feel as though the shake gives me a boost… I can have a meal-replacement shake with milk – but that increases the dairy content. I’m still hooked on fat-free milk and low-fat yoghurts (yes they have artificial sweeteners) – for some reason I have mental block against full cream. However, it may be my disordered eating patterns from a few years ago.

Emotions

Week 3 was better emotionally – I accepted that I was ill and took it easy. I was also at home with my folks and extended family… we always manage to make each other laugh and it is a good distraction. I did shed a few tears but it was more circumstantial than self-criticism.

What was interesting, though, is that I did notice the more I physically healed from the infection, the more and more anxious I felt. My body CRAVED movement of any sort. My trip back to Jozi was only on Tuesday so by the time Thursday rolled around I was VERY ready to get active.

Stats

I weighed in on Saturday…. and I lost 2 kgs. How, I have no idea. I’m scared I’ve lost muscle, especially since I was ill. But we will see how the next few weeks progress. No photos this week – I ran out of time and wasn’t that brave – plus I knew my diet was craptastic (to say the least).

One of the aims for myself in the challenge – is to get some sort of ass. I mean, it is “booty barre” for a reason… As usual, my body does things weirdly and I think I’m losing what little of an ass I have. EEK!!!!!!

I also want to get more definition in my tummy as well as get rid of the love handles – which I do believe may be going away a bit – though it could be my imagination.

 

Week 4 

I’m stretching myself for Week 4… perhaps being a bit overzealous. But I think I can kick ass. Mind over matter, right? I hope!

It is doubles all the way for me this week – barre and pilates today (Monday), Tuesday and Saturday. I’m keen to try the triple on Saturday but we’ll see how I feel on Wednesday! In addition to the barre and pilates, I am training with P for 30 minutes on Tuesday and Thursday. I also want to try and attempt a hot yoga class on Sunday (beginning of week 5) but I will listen to my body…

Dietwise, I want to cut down the sugar (no more honey or refined sugar for me). I also need to desperately increase my intake of water (I am severely lacking). My electrolyte supplements unfortunately do contain some sucrose so I can’t get away from that entirely – especially if I do not drink enough water, my body requires the supplement.

In my enthusiasm to move more and eat clean in Week 4, I did forget that I am also on a lab rotation that is insanely busy… All. The. Time.

All this means is that I will (hopefully) sleep REALLY well this week and I need to be super prepared!

Good luck to me ūüėź

Support

The 8 week #GetFitChallenge was always going to be tough for me. I knew it even before signing up:

  • The discipline to complete the required classes per week (I can flake really easily and have some pretty lame excuses) and to get focussed in other non-work related areas
  • Trying to not eat sweets or drink highly processed ready-made beverages and consciously choosing to “eat-clean”
  • Learning to accept myself, my weaknesses and tune down the self-hate… boosting confidence

It was freaking scary to sign up. I was going solo on this. Some scary stuff; especially for someone who is very fond of my comfort zone and being invisible (yes, I know I need to change that). I’m very used to feeling “not good enough” and even signing up was HUGE for me. For some weird reason Robyn kept asking if I was keen on joining… I was – perhaps she sensed it? I don’t want to live a life of “what ifs” and I want to be more open and “seen” but I truly feel that I’m not worth it… Yes, my self esteem is shot. But this challenge is helping rebuild it…piece by broken piece.

To be honest I never in a million years expected anyone – let alone Robyn, the mastermind of the challenge – to read about my journey through the eight weeks. Robyn has truly been a pillar of strength, sending my words of encouragement and motivation. I can truly say it is because of Robyn that I have not thrown in the towel not the challenge yet. I love that she has created Core-Barre: a studio that is welcoming and a pleasure to visit. Everyone in the challenge is awesome: friendly, supportive, welcoming. It is kinda a “safe space”.

Now I need to get my ass out of work and off to class!

k x

#GetFitChallenge – Recap of Week 2: Down & Out

I knew weeks 2 and 3 would be hard… however, I did not think it would be THIS hard.

Why?

I came down with some form of cold/ flu/ viral hybrid-infection. It started with a sore throat and losing my voice last weekend. This symptom slowly, but surely, progressed to a fever midweek and I’m still pretty congested. Feeling physically drained, congested (thank you, sinuses!) and all headachy is probably the worst limbo out there… you’re ill but it is not quite stay-at-home ill. You just feel crap. And the meds you take make you too restless to sleep – even though your body craves sleep.¬†In addition to my “poor health”, I flew home to my parents for a few days.

Training

Exercising in any way, shape or form when you are ill is not advised. You put additional stress onto your already fragile body – plus you need the extra energy diverted to your immune system to fight off the bad guys or you’ll progress to more severe symptoms.

Because I can be an idiot sometimes; I thought I was fine and completed my second double class of barre and pilates on Tuesday. Physically I felt good and got through it. In fact, I really enjoyed it… until Wednesday morning. I woke up (not having the best sleep in the world) feeling more congested and just iffy. My sore throat seems to be returning and my sinus headache was unrelenting. Mid-morning I broke out in a fever – the first for this period of illness. ¬†Blegh.

I decided to listen to my body and did not exercise for the rest of the week… While Week 1 of the GetFitChallenge saw me complete around 6 hours of training, Week 2 only saw me complete 2 hours. Sadness.

Diet

The win of week 2? I still have not succumbed to any confectionary items and soft-drinks (yay)! Or added sugar to any hot beverages.

I did however have lots of honey to soothe my throat….¬†Yes, I did “indulge” in sweet and fried foods. No, I did not stuff my face or binge eat. Which I’d like to see as a win. I’m not depriving myself at all… everything in moderation. Maybe I am taking this challenge into a new lifestyle?

Other goals

Another personal goal is to complete a project I have been stalling for a while. Fear of failure is my biggest downfall. I still have not had the courage to pick it up and plan the steps.¬†I need to. Desperately. I’ve already given myself a shove in the right direction this week by getting in touch with people who may be able to assist me in achieving completion (I just hope and pray they agree!).

Stats 

Yes, the dreading weighing and mugshots happened in Week 2. we are to weigh ourselves and take progress pics weekly. I dread this part. I am the least photogenic person around (thank God for SnapChat filters!). Surprisingly, I managed to lose about a kg from Week 1 to Week 2. In addition I *think* I can see a difference in my photos (a bit more definition in the abs)… or maybe I’m wanting to see something so badly I’m tricking myself!

Emotions

As always, this is my most challenging battle, and perhaps the main reason I registered for the GetFitChallenge. This past week I have been exceptionally mean to ¬†myself – especially seeing that I did not train as recommended. With me, there is always a head vs heart battle; intellectually I know I can’t stress out my body physically, yet emotionally I feel like a failure.

Seeing everyone on our group chats pushing themselves is truly inspiring but also makes me feel worthless… which makes me “hate” myself for not trying… and sends me into a slump and makes me feel physically worse… making me hate myself for being “weak” and getting a cold and not trying – it is a vicious cycle.

I’m consciously trying to work on my internal dialogue with myself and treat myself with more love, care and kindness. But it’s a 24 hour job and damn hard work!

The women in the challenge, particularly Robyn – our mastermind – are amazing; all smiling, energetic, ready to go out and kick ass… all so positive and full of life. These women are the epitome of what I strive to be… just being around them in class bring a smile to my face and brightens up my day. There is no drama, no external influences bringing me down. They make me want to lift myself up and be happy with myself. The pic below was taken after my one and only double class in Week 2 – I look so happy and chilled…. I’d love to carry that around with me.

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Feeling good after completing my Barre and Pilates double!

For this challenge, I made a contract with myself more than anyone else. Robyn’s challenge gave me a platform and a gentle push in the right direction. I’ve always broken promises to myself before and I REFUSE to break this one, too. I can’t handle breaking another promise with myself.

Even just coming to the end of the 8 weeks will be an achievement for ME. I am in competition with myself, the old me: quits when she hits a wall, has crippling self-doubt, very little self-worth and no self-love. I need to remember I can do no more or no less than what my body is capable of – and I know it is capable of a lot.

I need to do what’s best for me: physically, emotionally and mentally.

I need to cut out toxic relationships and mines negativity in all areas of my life…. and I’m worth it. I deserve to be confident and happy in my body and mind.

I need to take this challenge one day at a time.

Looking forward

Week 3!

I’m only back into routine on Wednesday and do hope to squeeze in three core-barre sessions this week – one on Thursday and two on Saturday morning… Unfortunately I’m working on Saturday so it threw my plans of trying the triple for a Saturday: barre, pilates, barre. Maybe next week… ¬†The plan is to also train with P at least once. And – if I am feeling up to it, a hot yoga session with E on Saturday afternoon/evening.

Although I am feeling better physically, I need to remember not to strain myself and my body.

Diet-wise: I need to reset a bit and eat-clean once I get back into my routine. I am proud that I have not had any sweets or soft-drinks though. I am craving fresh food right now!

Emotionally – I need to remember what my friend Miranda always says (and which has become my source of motivation)…. Remember No Matter What: Chin Up, Tits Out. (I reviewed her first book here)!

Until next week!

k x

 

Regret

The featured image above is a beautiful sunset I witnessed arriving home late from work a ¬†day this week. The world keeps turning, we get older and have we really lived? We go from school to university to the working world. We wake up, work, sleep. Does that define a life? I don’t think so. Sure, there are holidays and moments of “awesomeness” within those days but those are few and sometimes far between. Are we really happy? What do we regret? Am I happy with my life as it currently stands? Am I fulfilled? Or am I talking myself out of things and experiences that, at the very least, be something new I’ve tried?

I’ve been thinking a lot about regret lately. And how to live without regretting anything.

I do have regrets – things I should have done and paid more attention to, people I trusted when I should not have. I can’t change the past – nobody can. But I can move forward and change the way I live.

I wish I felt this way sooner in my life. I want to try new things and learn new things about myself; not to feel held back by my own excuses (I’m great at making excuses). My excuses are the usual: I’ll be rubbish at it, I’m scared of making myself look like a fool, I can’t afford it and the two biggest excuses…. I have too much work to do and don’t have the time; I’m too exhausted.

And I do regret not trying things and I’m going to try an experiment… for the next 6 months (until the end of 2017) there are a few things I want to accomplish. And I want to write about my experiences here… to keep myself (publicly) accountable.

  • Try at least three core barre classes (I’m scared I won’t be able to keep up – I’m very competitive)
  • Try to go to latin dance classes and dance the Argentine Tango (my favourite!) (My lack of balance will make me fall flat on my face)
  • Complete and submit my big project (I’m scared of failure)
  • Work out at least three times a week (common excuses: I don’t have time, I’m exhausted)
  • Be more “present” and “in the moment” when I am talking to people… not scrolling through my phone… (I don’t have time so let me scroll Instagram while I talk to you – which to be completely honest is damn RUDE of me)
  • Go completely offline for one weekend a month: no email, no blog posts, no Facebook, no Instagram, no Twitter – I can relax/ work by reading, writing on actual paper (the excuse is I can’t be offline because I will miss something… major FOMO (fear of missing out))
  • Look after my body – cut down on the sweets and junk food!!!

SO there it is… The first three scare the living daylights out of me. Honestly.

But, I will try. No use in not trying and regretting.

I need to start living my life.

x

 

Regret

Acceptance… Why is it so hard?

I was in my hot yoga class on Sunday¬†and there is something¬†my favourite (and awesome)¬†instructor¬†said something that just stuck. Stuck like I can’t-get-it-out-of-my-head, stuck. Its been ruminating within me…and making me feel a bit vulnerable.

While lying in corpse pose mid-practice, Eliza mentioned that moving your body in yoga allows you to learn how to love yourself (side note: I am paraphrasing). Loving yourself is not in a vain way – it is more accepting yourself wholly for who you are, what you are, what you look like, what you believe in.

And thats a big thing for me.

All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have been hating myself… for not being enough – not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not confident enough. I take things too personally and am too sensitive, I trust too much and place too much emphasis on what people say about me. I am a people pleaser.

Society has placed a lot of expectations on the world and in this digital age we are bombarded by images and an influx of advertising imprinting on us what we should look like, how we should act, what we can do. I am also a millennial – a member of the instant gratification generation…we want things our way, and we want it now. Not a good combination.

So, why did the phrase “love yourself” stick out to me ¬†THIS class. Especially when the same two words are¬†everywhere – from social media to local magazines… It is the theme du jour, so to speak. I’ve heard and read the phrase many times before. What changed in that moment, in that yoga class?

Perhaps it was the “right time”. I was too exhausted to over-think and analyse and question. I was sweaty and vulnerable and my mind was “still” (well, as still as an ADD mind can get!). It was the first time I actually heard the words. I “felt” the words. And it scares me (not just because I feel very un-scientific saying that I “felt” words).

Just the day before I heard news¬†that threw me… and made me sink into the depths of self-pity. Not the most¬†attractive trait, I know. It made me question the world and¬†the unfairness of life. Why do “good” things happen to “bad” people? “Good” as in lucky, getting everything handed to them, not struggling. “Bad” as in ¬†superficial, arrogant, treats people as consumables. The whole nature of it all makes me question and over-analyse life….is life really that unfair? Or is it a perception? What do I really feel about “everything happens for a reason” and “all in good time”?

To add insult to injury, I’ve been feeling forgotten… I seem to attract emotionally unavailable people to my life and then berate myself for giving 150% of myself to a one-sided relationship. I care too much. I love too much. Almost to the extent of losing myself in the process. While they only know me when they want something. It sucks.

I get that each person has their own journey in life. Their own obstacles, trials. But why is it that those who suffer the most are the most humble, genuine, compassionate people? I’m not saying I am any of those qualities but I feel as though I am respectful and caring. Why have things been such a struggle for me these past ten years? Why have their been so many bricks along the path which caused me to stumble at every single step? These questions have been haunting me for the longest time.

As I was in the corpse pose during that class, my heart physically felt as though it was being squeezed, constricted….remnants of muscle breaking away and falling into the deep abyss (so to speak). ¬†I’ve felt this way¬†before – I know it well. It is my not-good-enough feeling –¬†I remember it from early 2015, when I had my heart broken. When Eliza said the words “love yourself” it was as if it was a “lightbulb” moment. Don’t get me wrong, the feeling is still there…but my thoughts have “shifted” slightly.

I know I need to persevere, keep at it, take it all in my stride. Intellectually, I know this.¬†I need to move forward. “Embrace” the lessons and learn from them. Grow as a human being – and get stronger, more adaptable, resilient, disciplined (shout out to my 2017 theme)! However, emotionally I am “stuck”… It¬†is so much easier to feel sorry for myself and stay in the same metaphorical place while lamenting my fate, blaming the world – hell anything and everyone – for my situations. I have so much to be grateful for and when I reflect on this it makes me feel worse for even feeling sorry for myself. Vicious cycle all leading to “hate-me” avenue.

It is much, much harder to be an active participant in my life and love myself – flaws and all. ¬†The perception requires me to take 100% responsibility for my life, my actions, my decisions. Which is scary because there is no-one or nothing I can blame but myself. When I am in the middle of a hot yoga class and sweating profusely, thinking I am going to fall flat on my face, my mind screaming at me (you’re going to die!)…the heat, the instructions and pure instinct kick in and my body surprises me. I can do it and make it through the class. So perhaps I need to trust my instinct and intuition more in everyday life…and learn to accept myself – flaws and all. Easier said than done.

What do I need to accept in life?

  • I will never have supermodel looks or a supermodel body or look like anyone else.
    • But I can be the healthiest, fittest person I can be.
  • I will never be the smartest person in my field.
    • But I can work hard, be disciplined and focused on where I would like to be.
  • Some people will only know me when they need something.
    • But I can set boundaries to protect myself.
  • People I love and care about will not feel the same about me.
    • But I can hold a place in my heart for them, wishing them well, without expectations.
  • Some people will not have the same values in life as well.
    • But I¬†can know my own values, morals, ethics and not be pressured into saying or doing things that does not feel authentic to me.

All these things require diligent action – ¬†especially when I’m having a bad day and my default is to feel sorry for myself. Its damn hard work. Today, is a particularly hard day. I deep in wallowing mode and trying to pull myself out of it. My discipline and habits for the day have fallen to the wayside and I’m harder on myself because of it. Talk about a catch-22. Again, vicious cycle. But my crappy feeling is somehow different this time around… I’m fully aware of it… not just feeling “bleh” for no real reason.

I’d like to think my hot yoga practice and my facilitation sessions with Eliza have opened the gates to a new perception of myself and my world. The combination¬†seems to have¬†pushed my boundaries – in and out of class. I only started hot yoga in October 2016, at least once a week so I am still a newbie! My first and second facilitation sessions were in December 2016.¬†¬†Those are the only new things I’ve incorporated in my life and since then I found I’ve been¬†bubbling with the urge to write more. I’ve somewhat started to ¬†accept my body (the moments are few and FAR between but there have been glimpses of acceptance). ¬†I’m still working on being disciplined, learning to set boundaries and say no… hopefully it will come with time! And I am definitely a work in progress when it comes to comparing myself to others.

Hopefully putting my words down here will allow me to “let go” of some of the thoughts occupying space in my mind and let me get on with my priorities and goals. And, I think, most importantly figure out my vision and passion in this world… so I can see the bigger picture and accept myself more…

Am I the only one who struggles with this? What do you do to get yourself out of a slump? Do you find accepting yourself hard? Please let me know below ūüôā

kush

x

Is it just me?

 

I’ve been recently been made aware of my thought processes. In every other area of my life (professional, friendships etc) I seem to evaluate, assess and advise in a logical and rational way Рtaking into account facts and recognising the shades of grey in every situation. Perhaps it is the scientist training…

However, when it comes to myself and my emotions I only seem to only consider back and white, positive or negative (mostly negative, when it comes to myself). Why is this? Why do we (or me)  think the worst of ourselves without logically and rationally working through facts.

And who would have thought that I would have had this lightbulb moment at this (late) stage of my life. This year has become a huge midst adjustment for me and its weird. I’m learning these life lessons that I should have known years ago but all in good time, I suppose.

I’m learning that I can not control what people think of me or how they behave but I can control my thought process towards myself Рnot reinforcing any negative stereotypes I have made for myself.

I’m learning that sometimes people use and abuse and its not my fault.

Sometimes the world and people will disappoint me and again its their issue, not because I am a problem.

If I stop being myself, true to myself, beliefs and opinions then I stop being me. And I will not allow that to happen.

Having said that I do realise and understand that I cannot allow myself to be used/abused/manipulated so I need to be selfish in that sense.

I need to know when to take a step back, take care of myself and my emotional needs instead of always focussing on others. I need to learn how to look at behavioural patterns and logically work stuff out – and cut out “bad influences‚ÄĚ.

I know who has my back and who doesn’t Рits became pretty darn clear this year…and some of the revelations I’ve made РI won’t lie Рhave thrown me for a curveball. Yet in hindsight, if I go back and logically rationalise the pivotal moments I was the one trying to revive relationships which had died long before. And I need to be kind to myself and realise that I am not the problem. Its freaking hard and tomorrow I may be back at square one blaming and ostracising myself for my choices. But I guess life is but one big work-in-progress.

Emotionally I’m still working on it all. Have you felt you thrown yourself under the bus everyday something bad happens? If you do, trust me – I’ve been there. And its not you. It is much easier said than done, I know. ¬†I’ve been there. Some days, I still am there and trying to work out what I did wrong.¬†And if you need someone to listen, I’m here.